e-Audio, 07:29:31
Narrated by: Olivia A. Cole
Release Date: March 12, 2024
Published by: Books on Tape (Labyrinth Road)
Read from: March 25-26, 2024
Stand-alone
Source: PRH Audio App (I received a copy of this e-audiobook from the publisher in exchange for a just and honest review. This did nothing to influence my review.)
TW: Intrusive thought spirals, Neurodiversity, Ableism, Body shaming, Cursing, Racism, Suicidal thoughts, Suicide, Death, Sexism
For Readers Interested In: Realistic Fiction, Neurodiversity (OCD), Novels in Verse, 2sLGBTQ+ (Lesbian), YAExploring the harsh reality of OCD and violent intrusive thoughts in stunning, lyrical writing, this novel-in-verse conjures a haunting yet hopeful portrait of a girl on the edge. From the author of Dear Medusa , which New York Times bestselling author Samira Ahmed called “a fierce and brightly burning feminist roar.”
Ariel is afraid of her own mind. She already feels like she is too big, too queer, too rough to live up to her parents’ exacting expectations, or to fit into what the world expects of a “good girl.” And as violent fantasies she can’t control take over every aspect of her life, she is convinced something much deeper is wrong with her. Ever since her older sister escaped to college, Ariel isn’t sure if her careful rituals and practiced distance will be enough to keep those around her safe anymore.
Then a summer job at a carnival brings new friends into Ariel’s fractured world , and she finds herself questioning her desire to keep everyone out—of her head and her heart. But if they knew what she was really thinking, they would run in the other direction—right? Instead, with help and support, Ariel discovers a future where she can be at home in her mind and body, and for the first time learns there’s a name for what she struggles with—Obsessive Compulsive Disorder—and that she’s not broken, and not alone.
*MY THOUGHTS*
As someone with OCD (Pure O, which is often sometimes confused or diagnosed alongside anxiety)this was a little tough for me to read. I had to catch myself to make sure I wasn’t disappearing into her spirals with some of my own. But because it was tough to read, it made me so much happier, because it felt AUTHENTIC.
OCD is a neurological disorder that has excessive thoughts (obsessions) that lead to repetitive behaviors (compulsions). Ariel has been living with these thoughts for a long time. She called it a reptile, a monster, when it showed its teeth to her and shows her the violent intrusive thoughts. And overall, this was a very real look into the head of someone living with OCD. It was so hard to look into her mind. At some points it was scary, but it made me feel for her so much more. Ariel was walking around with these thoughts as a teen and had no idea what was going on. She needed way more support than her terrible parents.
Her parents were a whole other story. Are we seriously still living in the times where mental health is stigmatized and we run from things like therapy? The way they shunned her while she was completing rituals to “help keep them alive” from not killing them, was not ok. I found myself yelling at them a lot throughout the book. As for her friends, I was glad she had some people who cared about her. It was sad that her friends were the ones sticking up for her and convincing her something was wrong when her parents wanted her to pray about it.
I’m not always a fan of novels in verse because of the choppiness of the story. But in this case, the choppiness of the story worked really well because of the disorder she has. As someone who shares this, I can truthfully say there’s times when I’m researching things and I’ve fallen down a rabbit hole and hours have passed and I don’t know. My thoughts are scattered and choppy, just like Ariel’s in this story. It fit the story well and really sold the narrative. I related to this so much, and after reading the author’s note, I know why. Cole also was diagnosed with OCD after the pandemic. Although I’ve had mine longer, I could see all the realness in this story. This is why representation is important. There’s so many people that still think OCD is just washing your hands, or who think my Pure O is just me having OCD. They truly don’t understnd the things that go through one’s head. I’m hoping whoever doesn’t believe or understands picks this book up and they begin to get a small idea.
There is also queer representation in this novel. As I’m not queer I won’t mention if it was good or bad. She knows she’s queer and has feelings develop for a girl she is friends with. Her gender is constantly confused and she is described as bigger than average. Her size seems to be a large reason she thinks her intrusive thoughts might be correct in terms of what she might do.
This book is gut wrenching, raw, and unflinchingly real. Cole is quickly becoming one author I know to absolutely trust even when reading a format I’m not the biggest fan of. Both this and Dear Medusa had me hooked from the very beginning and I am very excited to see what else she will come up with.
Overall, I give this
